When I was a Youngster

December 6, 2005 in Short Stories

There’s a man who sits on the mantle of my fire place because I don’t get enough calcium and have bad knees. It makes me wonder if that somehow someway I am going to be falling into the tub of citric acid and get it all up in my nose and whatnot.

When I shot the sheriff I smiled and said “good morning sir, what a fine looking jacket that is.” I fled the scene of the crime using my jet pack which I had stolen of the man who sits on the mantle of my superb fireplace. I fell out of the sky like a cloud who has lost its way only to find out that the badgers and bees no longer wanted to be its friend.

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, getting breakfast at McDonalds. So there I was at the drive through ordering my catfish dinner with sea biscuits and a Coors Light only to find out that the train had crashed into the building killing millions and millions of pillow cases…it truly was a sad day.

“Finish your soup” my mother said. So I ate the rest of the sandwich and went outside to play stick ball with my good friend Willy Stevens…so there we were playing touch football in the year 1932…I know this is where it gets weird…because I’m only 21 and wasn’t born until 1984…but it was still 1932 and we were playing soccer in the back alley of Wal-Mart. We saw this cow and we felt the need to tip it.

We tip the dumpster over and find a dead body in there…Willy is vulture so he immediately starts pecking away at the dead body…freaking scavenger. Anyhow Willy takes his hand and the bat from when we were playing stick ball down at the ol’ fishing hole and pokes the body. The person oinks. It was neither dead nor a person…it was a pirana.

So we’re running away from the flesh eating headless chicken when all of a sudden I realize that within 15 minutes or less I could have saved a bundle on my car insurance.

And that’s how I lost my virginity.

Moral of the story; if you go looking for trouble it will find you in the last place you looked because one is the loneliest number.