Blasty Boils and My Pizza

December 2, 2005 in Short Stories

In a time of need there is only one person to call…you guessed it…wait, could you share your guess with me because I need an idea for this character…never mind I’ll think of something…ok, how about Blasty Boils the bad ass badger boy. Anyhow, that’s who you call in your time of need.

So I was sitting around my house the other day as I do most of the time, sometimes I do other stuff but for the most part sitting in the house is where you’re likely to find me…anyhow I realized that there was a shortage of frozen pizzas in the freezer…and by shortage I mean we were completely out. What the hell am I supposed to do? Sure I could have ate something else or got in my car to go get some more but that doesn’t make any sense…well it does but when it comes to my senseless stories that would be down right ridiculous.

So there I was without a damn pizza and I knew I had to call Blasty. I let the phone ring and realized I dialed the wrong number when I heard “Hello.” Because it was not Blasty’s voice. So I’m all like “Oh, sorry dude…wrong number.” They were all like “It’s alright.” Anyhow I quickly dial again, this time making sure I have the number correct. Success! I was able to correctly use the telephone and able to connect to the person who was my intended recipient of the conversation. Yay me!

He answers and is all like “Yo homie what’s up?” And then I be all like “Yo Blasty my man, I’s got a shortage of frozen pizzas and I’m straight tripping dawg.” He replied with “Fo sho? That be a fucking bitch yo.” Then I said “Tru, tru. I know all you be doing right now is lampin at the crib, you think you could help a brother out?” He got pissed and said “Mannn…why you always got to be grillin me when I’m just trying to keep it real at my place.” Finally I said “Bitch, you best recognize…you know you owe me dawg…don’t make me put a cap in yo dome.”

After our conversation he realized that Ryan Latham ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit and agreed to accept his mission or I would murder him with cotton balls. So he told me that he would make sure to get the pizza situation under control as fast as humanly possible. Which isn’t going to be fast enough for someone who really wants their pizza like I did.

But this mother fucker Blasty is all dumb and shit…he lives right next to the grocery store…but instead of going there he travels to the distant planet of Iraq. On top of that taking up a lot of time instead of taking the spaceship there he decided to take the bridge…it took up a lot of time where some events involving instances happened.

Like the time where he came across the troll and it was all like “You may pass if you can answer these 3 questions.” And Blasty is a bad ass so he’s all like “Bitch, I ain’t answering none of yo damn questions…now get out of my way before I up n smack you fool.” The troll was defeated by Blasty’s uncanny ability to keep it real and those who had been enslaved by the troll for the last 90 bazillion years rejoiced and made Blasty their new president.

I found out about this and I’m all like “MOTHER FUCKER! I can’t even rely on Blasty to get me a god damn pizza.” So it was time for me track Blasty down and let him know what’s up. So I get in my hover craft which is powered by wishes and tacos and head up to where ever I said Blasty was at…somewhere by a bridge. So yeah, I do that.

I get there and low and behold Blasty is the president…and even worse…he’s eating a pizza that should have been mine…and that I should have had like 8 years ago. By now I am really hungry and pretty pissed with Blasty so I up and lay him the fuck out. “Not so bad ass now are you punk? Now gimme that pizza.” So I ate the pizza and declared myself the new president and renamed the place The Untied States of Ryan.

Shortly after that the United States of America got pissed with me for ganking their name but my clique rolls deep homie we got them fully automatics and them cannons to stop mother fuckers dead in their tracks. Also we got Matrix like abilities…they tried to nuke us and I just used my powers to stop it. They were all like “Oh shit son, this mother fucker is crazy…I think he is a systemic anomaly concurrent to the code of the Matrix ergo visa vi why do I look like Colonel Sanders?” So yeah that shit happened then I had to save Zion or something.

Oh did I mention that there was a shortage of tube socks? It was slowly destroying the world. But it turned out to just be gas and everything was fine. The end.

Moral of the story: If you ever doubt yourself or what you can do with your life just remember that the grass is always greener before you smoke it.