Merlin the Suitcase

November 30, 2005 in Short Stories

Once upon a time in a pizza parlor in the sky their lived a bag of luggage named Merlin. Merlin lived a sad lonely life with a pathetic void in his life; he never contained any luggage. He just sat quietly shuffled in the back with all the other things that seldom get used such as the fondue set, the beta player and my condoms.

Needless to say Merlin grew tired of the emptiness inside of him so he decided today was the day that his life was going to change. He was going to do what all other suitcases did — he was going to put some shit in himself and fulfil his goal in life. However he knew he could not complete this task alone making this story a lot longer and random than it would have been had I not decided to throw in this complete bullshit.

But who would come to the aid of Merlin the depressed little piece of luggage? Well some zany character that makes no sense of course…that’s right…Rufus the cracked out psycho killer with a heart of gold. Rufus had probably killed some 500 people in his life and he smoked rocks non-stop…yet he still had a heart of gold. Anytime that he could resist the temptation to stab someone in the eye again and add it to his collection of pickled eggs he did…truly a saint among men.

Rufus and Merlin had known each other for quite sometime…in fact you could say at one time they were pretty serious. But that all changed the day Rufus stole a newer, sexier piece of luggage from one of his many friends that he killed and had a tea party with. Merlin used to hold a lot of the things Rufus had, well not a lot of things because crackhead psycho killers don’t keep much…but he used to hold his piss/shit jar, his crack rocks and occasionally a newspaper that Rufus would use for killing victims…yeah he’s hardcore like that.

But no this story can’t even be close to over…I got to throw you another curve ball. So the pizza shop is now located on the moon in the far off future of 1999. Everything hovers, even Rufus and Merlin…the world has made much progress. No cancer hasn’t be cured, nor has aids…but now old men can get erections and younger guys can find ways to make their schlongs bigger just by checking their electronic mail. Oh yeah and there is barracudas and flashing lights and some sort of mind control device which is powered by the evil lord master Pauly Shore.

So anyhow now Rufus and Merlin have to stop the evil lord master bastard Pauly Shore because quite frankly he is about as useless as Wyoming. They’ve got some shit they need to overcome and I got to think of what it is and how they overcome it…so lets throw in some light sabers, some Jedi Mind tricks and some Sincity style ass kickings. Oh and that scene from Kill Bill where she slaughters like 70 something people…that now happened in this story as well.

COORS LIGHT PRODUCT PLACEMENT

The two future heroes of the planet Alaska are plotting a way to stop the evil lord master bastard of disaster Pauly Shore when all of a sudden someone enters their secret lair. Who could it be? Well a lot of people actually because Rufus is a crackhead and Merlin is a piece of luggage…their secret lair is actually the rescue mission across town down by the gun shop and adult book store. It was just some random person then they left…I needed to throw in some more bullshit.

Anyhow, back to the plotting of how to stop the evil lord master bastard of disaster who is plastered Pauly Shore. Of course! Comedy! We all know that Pauly Shore’s weakness is comedy…I mean look at his career…he has never been in a funny movie or said/done anything remotely funny so his weakness must be humor. But neither Merlin or Rufus were necessarily funny…I mean Rufus laughed a lot when he killed people but that’s not too funny…unless he’s killing an albino midget clown with a bum leg and a lisp…then that’s pretty funny.

So they make the evil lord master bastard of disaster who is plastered and causes laughter Pauly Shore laugh so much that he eventually falls over but hasn’t died. Rufus goes over and cuts out his eyes and fucks him in the ass…you know to let him know how anyone who has ever seen one of his movies feel after they had seen it. He dies. Then they put his body in Merlin. Merlin has now completed his mission in life; he contains something.

Anyhow afterwords there is about a year of joy before something else bad happens. There is a shortage of pancakes! And I think we all know what that means in the distant year of 2000…but I will save that for another story…